You didn’t see my team assemble when we got the call your loved one was coming.
You didn’t see the paramedics or our ER team work frantically to revive a lifeless body.
You didn’t see our team coming to terms with the fact that our efforts just weren’t enough this time.
You didn’t see the small piece of my soul that gets crushed every time I call a time of death, and you didn’t see that this time was no exception.
You didn’t see me go back to my computer for a few moments to start writing the last medical note that would ever be written for your loved one.
You didn’t see me bury my own emotion (without even realizing it) so I could pick back up with the next patient and continue on.
You didn’t see my heart sinking when the nurse called me out of the next patient’s room to let me know you were on the phone and were unaware of the transpired events.
You didn’t see my heart ache as I had to give you the worse news of your life.
You didn’t see the shock, disappointment, and hurt on my face as you berated me over the phone for things I had no control over and suggested that we didn’t care about your loved one.
You didn’t see me immediately forgive you for those words knowing most of them were likely said in fear and pain. But you also didn’t see that the words and implications cut deep.
You didn’t see my heart break as your cries of agony echoed out from an otherwise still room.
You didn’t see me get home after shift trying to decompress only to be met with all the emotions I had unknowingly buried a few hours before.
You didn’t see me crawl into bed fraught with exhaustion, sadness, stress, and fear from a multitude of things over the past week.
You didn’t see the words you said resurface in my mind while I played out every moment I cared for your loved one, being sure we had done all we could do.
You didn’t see the tears stream down my face as I struggled with grief, disappointment, and fatigue.
You didn’t see me pray for you and your family and hope you would find peace in what is likely the most tumultuous time of your life.
You didn’t see me eventually drift off to sleep knowing I would all too soon return to the ER and confront death face to face once again.
3 replies on “What You Didn’t See”
Thank you for posting something we can all relate to. We are a team and we all know exactly how you feel. We’re so happy you’re on our team.
I knew everyone could relate. Sometimes it’s just nice to read something so relatable and it’s therapeutic for me to write it so figured I’d share. Very happy to have joined such a phenomenal team 👏🏼
This is DEEP!!! Defeat. It’s never easy! But our Team carries on to the next. Thank you!