The Rona

I’m not sure where to start or even what to share, but here we go.
When all this COVID-19 started, I was oblivious because I don’t watch the news much; let’s be honest, it’s depressing. Once I started hearing about it at work, I became concerned. But I was still thinking to myself, “no, we are going to be fine.” I’m sure all of us felt this way because we see respiratory viruses all the time, so no big deal. WRONG! Very wrong.
I started my research at home, watching news stories, listening to a podcast, and reading articles. The more I dove into this mess, the more I realized how unprepared we are for a “pandemic.” I don’t like to show my worrywart personality around other people unless I trust you. I didn’t want anyone knowing how scared I was becoming nor share the crazy thoughts that were keeping me awake.
I started experiencing a tight pain in my chest and an ache that radiated up to my throat. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My first thought, “How s***, I got the Rona!” I started panicking, and my symptoms started getting worse. I ran through my house like a crazy cat in the middle of the night, desperately searching for a thermometer. Once, I checked my temp, I relaxed. I realized I’ve been bottling all this anxiety and began to cry. After that night, anytime someone brought up the topic, my heart started racing, I would get anxious, my chest would get heavy, and I started having a flight of thoughts. Even writing this makes me nervous.
The dread of knowing I worked the next day was growing at a fast pace. A feeling I hate because I love my job. I never thought I would anticipate the “Hey you want to be on call” text. But there I was praying I would get called off. How selfish? Yes, I know. How could I not have the same burning fire everyone else is having to pack my bags and fly out to provide much-needed relief? How could I see the pain and sadness in their eyes and still feel like I would rather stay home? And then, yes, I cried again because I felt like a terrible person. I’m a crybaby. What a waste of nursing knowledge and skills because I would rather stay home. I let the guilt overwhelm me that I was trying to convince my fiancé to let me go so I could appease the negative feelings I had about myself. But, as awful as it sounds, I have no desire to book the next flight. For those who feel the same way, know it doesn’t make us horrible people. We aren’t less than the next person going. None of us were prepared for something like this to happen. It’s the ugly truth. We want no one to know this about us because we don’t want to be judged. But I’m here to share a different side of the Rona and to show that you are not alone.
One thing we all have in common is a great concern for other people. We all want to help and care for the sick. Whether it’s from home or in NYC, we all have the same desire to be a healthcare worker.
For all my friends who are going, I support you. I admire your selflessness. I pray for a safe and healthy return home to your families and friends.
I can’t wait for the day we can say, “Back in my day, we dealt with the Rona, and let me tell ya, she was a Carole Baskin.”

Much Love
-Kris, a very scared, overly worried, RN